I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
