a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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