if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
