I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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