You just made me feel so damn special
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
