I want to have your abortion
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I lost the right to judge tonight
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
