who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
