Can Purell be used as lube?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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