I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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