I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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