we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
