Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
