part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
