I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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