Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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