I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
