Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
