I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
