My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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