I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
