I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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