I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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