So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
