You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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