I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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