She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
