I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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