Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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