Already got asked if we're dating
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
not ubering you a puppy
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
