my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
