Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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