can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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