I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
