I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
