I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
