He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm both gender and math confused
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
