he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
