he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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