I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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