I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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