Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
