I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
