i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
