his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
