I could make wine with my vomit
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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