I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
