I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
