Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
