it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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