Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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