Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
