I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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