I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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