I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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