I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
